You’re probably pretty smart. You love your life, you know yourself and you work hard.
Sometimes though, we want something… it’s not advice, it’s not a celebration, it’s just to feel understood.
Pretty basic, eh?!
We just want to feel like we’re not crazy, we are worth being paid attention to and we’re on the right track in that mental hug of someone else relating to what we’re going through.
Today, I would want to read a book about feeling understood. I don’t know if I’d want humor, a calm and soothing book or what. All I know is that I want to feel like there is someone else out there who feels like I do.
And no, Frida Kahlo did not write any books about feeling understood, but don’t you agree that would have been AWESOME!?
Actually, what if Frida Kahlo wrote THIS book!?!?!?
Yes, I am very well aware that she is no longer of this field of existence in her old self’s body. Thank you. But what if she could have left us with her wisdom about being different, being in physical and emotional pain, and really, at the core, just wanting to feel understood, respected, accepted and supported?
Note to the friends and family of Ms Frida Kahlo: As a longtime admirer of Ms Kahlo’s work, I have felt her as a virtual mentor through my life, as have many others. I hope this MiniBook does not offend you as it is meant to honor her life and all of her. I once felt as though I might be the only one looking at her work in books at the library only to discover with the progression of the internet, and now with social media, that there are so many people out there, everywhere, who dance to her song. In recent years, her beautiful face is found in tattoos, restaurant walls and in children’s books. I don’t know how you all feel about this, nor how she would feel, but I am grateful to her and I know that so many others are as well because she was right: I am just as weird as her, but we just lived in different times.
“I used to think I was the strangest in the world, but then I thought there are so many other people in the world. There must be somebody just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it is true I am here, and I am just as strange as you.”– Frida Kahlo
Vamonos!
What if Frida could help us through this book? She, who for her entire life probably wanted all of us who are different to sit together and have fun being different, celebrating each other and supporting one another. I bet she would love it!
I think she would want to share 5 lessons she learned over the course of her life:
First: I think she would want us to know that we have to understand ourselves before expecting anyone else to understand us or what we do.
Snap, I think she’s right…
With force of conviction she would remind us of the importance of acceptance, passion, understanding and LOVE of ourselves, who we are, our talents, our flaws, our interests, our actions, our words and everything about ourselves. And, to own up that we are all flawed and beautiful.
Second: She would say that it is human to want to be understood.
And guess what? Odds are that you’re human.
Unless you’re a gorilla like Koko or any other species learning to read, in that case, please accept my apology and I hope that you keep reading. It’s an honor for my words to be read by you.
It is natural to want to feel accepted and understood. To feel like we belong. We want to feel that comfort and safety.
Overshare: I used to think that everyone needs a team to cheer them on and support them, and I was right. But I didn’t realize to what extent I was right. Since my first new-parents training session, I started seeing how we need one another, even strangers, more than I ever thought. The first year of my first child’s life was truly enlightening. I formed a group of new parents and we saw one another through everything that year threw at us. That was when I truly learned what it was like to feel understood. I hope that everyone gets to feel that and gets to share that feeling.
Third: Frida would point out that advice is often given by people who do not know what it’s like to be in your shoes.
Have you ever received advice? “You should…”, “If I were you…”, “Why don’t you…”…. 😛 Oh Geez! It’s the whole reason I avoid the world “should”. That’s the thing with advice, it removes your power.
In some situations, it also puts you in a position of helplessness and dependence.
1- There’s giving advice
2- There’s receiving advice
3- There’s wanting, needing and asking for advice
4- There’s answering to people’s desire for advice
(notice that there isn’t a number for unsolicited advice)
To give advice, we have to #1 understand 100% of the situation and #2 to detach from the outcome.
Let others be free and don’t expect to change ANYONE!
We mean well, but we’re not the one living that life and that situation. We don’t know all the variables like the details, history and subtle emotions. Sure situations look easier to outsiders, but that’s because we don’t know everything and we’re not fully emotional invested. Otherwise, we might be in the same predicament as the person we are trying to advise. What I’m getting to is maybe we lack respect about their situation and their capacity.
When we’re the one getting advice, we often didn’t ask for it. If we did, does the person we’re asking understand and sympathize with our situation and truly understand us?
Odds are, we just want to feel loved and understood and supported.
There’s nothing like feeling the support of your super-amazing friends and family, co-workers and people around us. You can do anything with that kind of support! We feel like super-heroes! Unstoppable!
Fourth: She would want to say that encouragement and support are unconditional.
Consider these sentences:
“Seems like you’ve got a good handle on what’s going on. Let me know if you’d like me to help out in any way.” & “I really admire you for everything you’re handling right now. I don’t know anyone who could do it better!”
We might not always agree, or maybe we never agree, on what others choose. And it’s hard to see loved ones make choices we don’t like. But here’s the thing: we wouldn’t want others to make us feel bad about our choices, our life or ourselves.
I guarantee you, you may have a perfect home that is very trendy, clean and beautiful, but someone will have criticism for you.
The question is: can we get out of ourselves enough not to dive in and try to help, but to simply understand and encourage?
“Since we can’t know exactly what it’s like to be someone else, when approaching a situation where our understanding is desired, “shoulds” won’t get anyone anywhere. But reaching out in compassion will.”– KF
Fifth: Frida would want us to truly know that we cannot expect to be understood.
This is the hardest one for me.
Overshare: I learned about Frida at 17 and felt the pain of her story. I might have never known the pains she knew all too well. But I felt that no one could know, not really. How could doctors and loved ones understand her pains? How could her fans? We aren’t her.
I have tried to put myself in other’s shoes for as long as I can remember with varying levels of success. But we cannot expect anyone to truly understand what we are living. If people do, great. But if they don’t, we can do something about that! We can share and walk them through it. We have a responsibility there: a responsibility to make ourselves understood by someone, maybe not the people we have in mind, but someone.
Overshare: As someone who’s been called various types of “unique”, I have been somewhat starved for hearing “I understand”. Somehow, it seems that criticism was easier for some around me to muster up. I understand now that when we’re different, and by the way, we are all different, none of us are clones – Yet… But it’s through the knowledge that we are each unique that we strive to learn more about one another and try to help others. Frankly, I would have loved to hear “I don’t understand your choice, but I respect you and I think that’s pretty awesome what you’re doing”.
I encourage you to find your tribe and share that understanding and support with you Peeps.
Enjoy,
Karine 🙂