I sometimes think about someone in my world who is currently living a great deal of pain on all facets and wish with all my Soul that I could help them. But let’s be real, I want to save them.
I don’t think I’m alone feeling this way.
We all have people in our life at some point who we truly wish we could sweep in and fight all the bad that’s around them, throw them over our shoulder and fly victoriously to a safe and joyous place where they would be happy and free from all that was invading their life, health and peace.
Overshare: I’ve done a great deal of introspection on this subject through my life, particularly asking myself “Who am I?” to think I can help, “Who am I?” to think that I can “save” or actually help anyone? Or if I even “should”, for that matter. However, all introspection considered, I truly do want to help and I truly wish I could help.
Today, I’d like to read a book about seeing someone you truly care for struggling while feeling that “if only” we could help them, “if only” we could save them. This is a shared feeling with many people I know. We wish we could help our loved ones, but we often can’t. They might not want help. They might be too far away. We might not be qualified… There are a number of reasons, but the result for us is the same: we feel helpless.
I am throwing myself quite the challenge today: Solve one the issues I’ve had throughout my life in a 1,000 words. Let’s see if I can do it…
Let’s do this!
If you’re reading this MiniBook, there’s a decent chance you’re witnessing a loved one struggling. Maybe they’ve recently encountered a challenge, maybe they’ve been struggling for a really long time. Either way, your heart sees them and desperately wants them to feel good.
Overshare: I’m currently seeing a loved one truly struggling and I deeply wish that I could help, or that other help would appear, or something could magically happen to make everything all better. I’ve seen many people going through serious health issues and their loved ones praying and wishing with all their Soul that a miracle could come and save the day, even for economic health. I’ve heard parents figuratively bleeding all over because their child is struggling with life. We’ve all watched the news and want to do anything we possibly can about the sad issue we’re watching.
Sidenote: I am not a psychologist or a mental health professional. There are probably millions of mental health professionals in the world and I KNOW everyone can find someone they relate to. It might take some searching, but your well-being deserves the search. Help exists. When we love someone who is suffering, we are suffering as well. There are groups and specialists that can support us and be with us. As a support person, you need to be supported too. There is a real risk of losing of ourself in someone else’s issues and there can be negative impact on our life. I am not trying to be discouraging. I want for everyone to help those around them. However, the risk exists. Please care for yourself.
Miracles
Miracles. “If only” there could be a miracle. “If only” things could get magically better. “If only” there could be some improvement to help everyone concerned.
We pray, believe, hope, try to improve our luck and so many other things to try to make everything better by the sheer power of our Spirit. We want a miracle in the biggest way and shine its magic!
But we don’t choose our miracles, do we?
If one comes, and I do believe they do, it’s going to be those mysterious miracles.
Sidenote: Frankly, I think we’d probably misuse a lot of Miracle-Power if we could control it. Every sports fan would use it for their team, students would use it to ace exams, we’d make people fall in love with us and we’d all be wishing our kiesters off to be financially comfortable. I don’t think we’d use our Miracle-Power very well…
But this time is different, right?
This time, we’d use our Miracle-Power for the right reasons, wouldn’t we?
Genie shows up and offers us three wishes… That story NEVER goes right! And I believe that it’s because people have been hoping and praying for miracles for ages and there had to be a way to guide people that waiting for a miracle, a genie, will not work over the long term; it’s a trap to believe that the genie will help us.
To be clear: I do believe in miracles. I believe that we can live magic in life. I believe in hope, belief, intention and prayers. I believe that hope and belief can get us through the darkest of times in our life and I hope to always feel that way.
However, we can’t control it all, can we? We can’t bend the will of others and we wouldn’t want anyone to try to bend our will either. We want and deserve freedom, and so do our loved ones.
Freedom vs. Control
You might have read other pieces of mine where I shine my four key words: Joy, Happiness, Peace and Freedom. I believe Freedom is a very important part of living. Without Freedom, we’re not truly living.
When we’re a support person or caregiver for someone we truly care about, it’s a real challenge to put Control aside and embrace Freedom. The stakes are high and we want a victory! Somehow, a victory doesn’t seem possible if we’re not controlling the situation as much as we possibly can.
How many of us have wished that we could “just make” someone take their pills, eat their healthy foods, go to their appointments, do their exercise,…
Overshare: As an Ayurvedic consultant, I would diligently put together suggested plans for my clients. These plans were completely built on the concept that I know the client will not do everything, but if I make it interesting, diverse, rewarding and flexible, they will probably integrate what I hope they will. As a caregiver in longterm care, I would do anything I could to make some residents eat. I knew they needed it and the nursing staff would ask me to be extra diligent about their eating, but I simply could not “make them”.
Let’s define Freedom in this situation:
Assuring an individual has complete latitude to make the choices that suit them, without bringing harm to others. We may offer support and care, but always in their image. We may act on or speak their behalf, but always in their image. We gently place aside our views, principles, values and emotions. We permit and invite the wholeness of what another believes to be their truth and we will not impose and force outer pressure on them.
Overshare: I don’t like to use the words “have to”.
We have to give people their freedom for them to be. To give freedom to their life. To give freedom to the person to make their choices and speak out and ask for what they need. In the absence of their voice, to respect their freedom, we become that voice: Their voice.
We can, however, invite people to ask or welcome us into their situation if we choose to. We leave them their freedom and share that we care with them in different ways. Even a text that says “I’m thinking of you” or a joke can help to make someone not feel alone.
Many people who we feel are suffering will not want anyone in their situation.
It is embarrassing to need help, and frankly, they might not want OUR help, but the help of another person who they feel will understand better or apply the help in a way that suits what they need at this time. Regardless of our age or our relationship, we might not be the help the individual wants.
Blocked
It’s lovely to think that we can reach out and that our hand will be welcomed. Reality check: That’s not always the case.
Sometimes, we’re blocked. They don’t want help. They don’t want our help. They don’t see they might need help. Whatever the case may be, it ends in the same way: our support isn’t wanted.
OUCH.
It’s one thing to not be able to control the Universe and make miracles happen, but another thing entirely when we’re not what they need or what they want.
What They Need vs. What They Want
Who gets to decide when one NEEDS? There is no objectivity here. From medical and financial professionals to loved ones and Spiritual guides, no one is truly objective.
The one person who can say anything really, is the person living the situation. Truthfully, they might not be in the best internal space to be ready to find a solution and might need an external intervention.
Powerless: It’s Out of Our Hands
Overshare: I do not like feeling powerless. I don’t like watching the news and knowing there is NOTHING I can do about what I’m seeing. I don’t like knowing my loved ones are facing tremendous challenges every day and I can’t do anything about it. It sucks.
No one likes feeling powerless.
We may know someone struggling with a vice.
We may see a loved one suffering from a health issue.
We may be scared for someone’s choices.
We may worry incessantly about them in every way.
We love them.
We are invested in them and their well-being.
But, it’s out of our hands at times.
Acceptance
Is acceptance sometimes the only solution?
JOY
HAPPINESS
PEACE
FREEDOM
Those 4 words make a HUGE difference to me.
Overshare: I developed the blend of these 4 words over years of trying to find the best blend to bring the most impact. I admit that since I do have some control issues, these words do help me release that control I attempt to have because Acceptance is not my strong suit.
It is not easy to just go with the flow of things.
Overshare: Deepak’s 7 Spiritual Laws for Kids has that the 4th law is: Don’t say No, go with the flow. It’s a challenging day for me, every week. But it teaches me wonderfully.
Acceptance may not be possible, but allowing flow is possible.
Wrap-Up
- Be there. No judgement, just presence. Who are we to judge anything?
- Listen. No comparing.
- Love. Genuine caring can make ALL the difference.
- Support. Vocalize that you are supporting and that you are there to support. People cannot read minds. Tell them.
- Show that you are there without bullying your way in.
- Be available, again, without judgements and “I told you so”.
- Admit that you might not be the right person, but you are there to give space, find the right person,… whatever is needed.
- Give freedom.
- Believe in the person. Believe in miracles, even if it makes you feel foolish. Because believing in miracles allows us to be more at peace and bring more positive into the situation, than the cold-harsh reality you perceive.
- Remember that this is THEIR life, their reality and their future. We have our own narratives to be focused on.
- Check-in now and then in an easy way.
- Hope, believe, wish, pray and send good vibes. They don’t hurt anyone, and I believe they do make a difference.
- Allow flow.
And, if you have to, let go.
I don’t like to EVER give up. EVER.
However, there are times when we can’t do anything further. So, we send the issue out at sea, with all our good wishes and intentions, we push the issues away into the gentle waves and trust that the boat will go where it needs to. Even if that is away from us.
JOY
HAPPINESS
PEACE
FREEDOM
We send off that boat with love.
And we detach ourselves from that boat.
Overshare: Am I the only one crying right now?
I hope I made this MiniBook work and didn’t waste your time 🙂
Sending love,
Karine