I was talking to a loved one the other day who was faced with seeing people from their past at an event and felt really bad that they haven’t spoken in a decade. No real reason for it. They simply had their own stuff going and life lead them in different directions.
I said “Well, that’s just how some relationships go. It wasn’t meant out or bitterness or malice. It was simply that life priorities changed and stacked up. It’s not worth feeling guilty about it. No one needs to feel bad that everyone had different priorities.”.
So, what do you think of that answer?
Do you think it’s normal that we drift in different directions without meaning to? Or, do you feel that we should maintain all our relationships at all times? Would you get angry with someone who hasn’t reached out in a while or would you realize that neither did you and maybe it was simply a gentle drift of life?
This brings me to my question: Do we all have the same parameters about what friendships and relationships need to keep them pumping or do we neglect each other? Or! Do we put way too much pressure on what our relationships need?
Today, I’d like to read a book that makes me feel better about the relationships that we have on the back burner and how to best manage when we don’t feel we’ve been put on the right burner of other’s relationship priorities.
Let’s do this!
Friendly reminder: I am not a friendship or relationship expert. I am not a social worker or a psychologist. If you find a real expert in relationships and friendships that’s 100% all the time, hold on to them for dear life!
Overshare: I’ve been reflecting a lot about drifted relationships over the past couple of years, not really knowing what to do about them, but feeling regret that maybe, just maybe, these relationships were waiting for me…
Overshare more: I started writing this MiniBook over a year ago and never punctuated it until now when a friend from my past passed away. We’ve known one another for 25 years! Can you believe it! But we were really only part of one another’s lives for 7 of the early years. That leaves almost two decades of drifting. There was never any issues or reasons for separation, we were simply drifting in life’s winds in two different directions.
K definition of Relationship Drifting: When people get swept up in their own wind and drift into different directions, without resentment, simply through living.
As a child, I lived in a small town. Everyone knew who I was and it you could run into everyone you know just by going to the grocery store. We knew everyone’s phone number by heart and we could simply show up at a friend’s house unannounced.
As an adult in the age of social media, I’m finding it to be so distant that our news is broadcasted on Facebook and it’s assumed that everyone who matters will see our news.
Today is one of those days.
Facebook told me something about a friend that I wished I didn’t find out this way: my friend passed away.
So what can we do about it?
Nothing?
Something?
Everything?
My first reaction is to do a little relationship archeology:
- How did the relationship start, grow and fade out?
- What was the magic?
- How did we make one another feel?
Is it just me or does that 3rd one really hit home?
How did we make each other feel?
Sidenote: We simply can’t invest into every relationship with the same level of excitement, love, interest and magic. There are only so many hours in a day! And, let’s take a moment and face our real selves: Would we even want to delve full relationships with everyone?
Sidenote again: Treasured relationships can be family, friends or whatever. Your best friend can be a family member.
I bet we could make a list of the top people who make us feel special, respected, cared for, interesting and valued. I can imagine that this list is probably pretty short.
Now, let’s flip it: On who’s list do you think your name would appear?
Maybe there’s a mismatch…
OUCH! It hurts just thinking about it!
Just thinking about how I could be bad for someone else feels terrible! We can’t possibly be good for everyone, right?!? Some people can be allergic to some vitamins! You just can’t be the right thing for everyone!
What now?
Overshare: Before answering that question, I feel I need to reflect on the relationship.
Bring it together
Okay, so maybe there was:
- No reason for a break-up, and it was a simple drift
- We might not have made them feel bad about themselves, but if we made them feel great about themselves, they might have upkept their side of the relationship
- They may not have made us feel great about ourselves, but if they made us feel great about ourselves, we’d probably have upkept our side of the relationship
- Maybe we didn’t do any personal upkeep on an annual basis, like check-ins, sending jokes, sending cards, personal contact more than “HBD” (Happy Birthday) on Facebook
- Maybe we weren’t sharing of our true self and we weren’t seeing much of their true selves?
What’s missing here: THE PERSONAL TOUCH!
When we make someone feel seen and heard.
Is Social Media Making it Better or Worse?
As you’ve read, I found out about my friend’s passing on Facebook. Though I’m really grateful to have found out at all, it left me feeling that there was so much missing to our relationship. I feel I missed out on an in-person relationship, and I didn’t notice while it was happening because of our thread of online connection.
Which leads me to:
HOW WELL DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?
- 3 stories about child-teen-hood
- 3 foods they love
- 3 simple things that make their day
- when their birthday is
- they favorite holiday
- when their pets and/or children’s birthdays are
- dream(s) for when they are older
- 3 fears and/or worries
- do they like surprises
- are they happy
And if we want to dive in a level further:
- what do they feel like they’ve missed out on in life so far and regrets
Shared Experiences
I feel that relationships are all about shared experiences – even negative ones. Social media might hide that we’re not really sharing experiences because we have a thread through our profiles.
Wrapping it up!
Now that I’ve gone over 1,000 words, I think I have to just wrap it up 🙂
Ultimately, people matter, our relationships matter and our own feelings matter. Right?!?! We want to make our loved ones feel good about themselves and that they’re important to us. But, at the same time, not everyone is meant to be in our circle of loved ones. Some people are casual relationships and some are friendships that are drifting.
Keep on reaching out and connecting 🙂
Karine