I must start by saying that I’ve watched the first of the Oprah show The Me You Don’t See. This episode was in line with so much of what I’ve been thinking and feeling lately, that others have shared with me and what I’ve wanted to share. It’s essentially the theme of the week 🙂
Sidenote: As I write this, we’ve been affected by Covid-19 for 2 years. I first heard of the virus in December 2019 and the fear started. But this MiniBook is not about the virus. It’s about not being visible, be it intentionally or non-intentionally.
This week, I reached out to a coworker of the past. She was on my mind and I hadn’t exchanged with her for some time. I used to walk by her desk and try to bring some cheer and help her with her day in any way I could. She used to come into the office and the first thing she would see is my face. We would exchange thoughtful questions about how the other is doing, our families and our work. Throw in a few compliments and sincere smiles and voilà! We professionally cared.
We saw the other. We heard the other.
We were seen by the other. We were heard by the other.
This is just one example of how being seen and heard can appear in our life.
We might not feel seen when we get cut off in line at the grocery store. We probably don’t feel heard when we’re trying to talk about our day to a loved one and we don’t feel like the other is hearing what we’re saying. Yet, there are times when even a text message can make us feel truly seen and head by the the receiver.
I’ve been recently considering if we are taking the time to see and hear one another. It used to be almost built into our days, but I feel many of us might be fading into the background of online work, social media and texts. In many ways, many of of us have become chat bubbles to one another.
The thing with chat bubbles is that we can hide, lie and paste in a joke when that’s not what we’re feeling. Chat bubbles are not a real interaction. Even a phone call isn’t a complete interaction.
Additionally, I’ve spoken to a number of people recently who’ve admitted staying away because they didn’t want to be negative and share the “badness” of how they’re doing. They were waiting until they felt stronger, peppier and had good news to share.
Sidenote: I have every respect for those who feel like hibernating and laying low. I respect those who like it this way and prefer to chat through bubbles than hang out.
Today, I’d like to read a book to help me feel seen and heard FROM MYSELF! It took a while for me to divide this issue into a few baskets:
#1: I want to feel seen and heard.
#2: From who? Others? Wait a minute! Maybe I should start by seeing and hearing MYSELF…
#3: But what about feeling seen and heard by others?
#4: Am I doing a good job seeing and hearing others?
Though I don’t want to rely on external praise and exchanges, I want to be able to help myself and have clarity over the whole issue.
I want to feel seen and heard and I want those around me to feel that I hear and see them.
Let’s do this!
Relationships, regardless of their depth and length, fundamentally require us to see and hear one another. Even the brief exchange with a cashier needs both people to hear and see the other to appropriately proceed.
The first thing that I want to iron out is: What do we truly see and hear in a person?
I’d like for us to consider this WITHOUT the benefit of knowing them for 20 years and using the past, their reputation, what we see on the outside and all that to be what we see and hear. I.e.: removing judgement.
We might need to make a bit of a clean-up about what we know about a person and who they truly are today vs. what we think we know. This applies to how we know Ourself too.
If we constantly refer to the past for information about what a telephone is, we will only see a phone as a heavy item, connected to the wall and operated by a wheel. We will be missing out on quite a bit of what a phone is today, won’t we?
So, moving forward, let’s commit to trying to stay in the present all while respecting and acknowledging the past.
For this process, I want to start by diving inward. I recommend keeping and pen and paper near by and welcome writing things down as you go along.
Inwards
Who am I? Seriously.
When starting anything where I’m saying I want the result to come from me and not from the outside, the first thing I feel I need to be exceedingly clear on is: Who am I?
Sidenote: We have known Ourself for our entire life, but I don’t want us to rely on who we thought we were, but as who we are today and at the core. We are not the 4 year-old rolling on the floor of the toy store, though that 4 year-old is part of us.
Please don’t rely on what others have told you about you, but of what you feel about you.
Through taking time to feel out who we are through each of our layers, we get a sense of our true self as long as we direct our attention to real Self and not the mental monologue we might be harming ourselves with.
I recommend a scan through each of the following 10 Layers of Self:
- Surroundings
- Reputation, external expectations and voices of others
- External coverings: Clothes and things you put ON yourself
- External body: Skin, hair, what you look like
- Internal body: Inside the skin, with the blood, the bones, organs and everything else in there
- Inside our organs
- Our thinking mind
- Our feeling self
- Our core
- Try to dive into your core-Self deeper
I suggest writing down the answers.
Sidenote: I’d like to add that should you feel anything negative about the two external layers (#1 & 2) , please know that most of us feel judged by the outside. I simply wish for you to be clear about what you’re digging past. To make a ridiculous analogy: To dig for gold, we might have to dig past the crap that’s on top of the ground. But it’s worth it to get that gold! 🙂
For each of those layers, consider the following:
- Think about the layer, for example: 1. Surroundings
- Take the time to picture it
- Ask yourself “Who Am I?”
- Breathe and feel the answer
- Go to the next layer, for example: 2. Reputation, external expectations and voices of others
- Take time to picture that layer
- Ask yourself again: “Who Am I?”
- Breathe and feel the answer
- and so on…
Were any of these layers an issue? If so, I suggest to take some time and ask why.
Sidenote: If you’re wondering where I put the Chakras and other layers of self, please don’t think I’ve forgotten them. However, for this process, I’d like us to be more tangible and focused on these 10. Later on, please add as many layers as you like if you wish to.
Then we ask yourself again: Who am I?
If you can, I suggest writing down the answer. If you have blockages, write down the blockages.
What do I need?
Ask all of yourself: What do I need?
Go one level at a time and take time with yourself. If you can, write down what you discover. If you find that some things that come up are more under the category of what you’d like or want, make columns to differentiate. Like, wanting and needing are not the same thing.
Sidenote: I recommend keeping it positive and not focus on what you don’t want, like and need.
I’d like to focus on “need” the most, however, wants and likes should not be pushed aside.
Am I seeing and hearing myself?
Do I need to be seen?
Do I need to be heard?
Am I seeing myself?
Am I hearing myself?
Do I take care of what my whole self needs?
These questions are important because we can’t expect others to take better care of Ourself that we do.
I’d like us to look beyond that we know and who we know ourselves to be and look to the core of Ourself.
We want to be seen and heard for “who we are today” from those around us. However, we can start by appreciating “who we are today” and respond and respect that person for ALL we are; the good and the stuff we don’t like so much. Our inner Self needs to trust our Whole Self. We make a promise to our Self, we keep it. We set a limit for Ourself, we keep it.
Let’s consider:
- How can we hope to be seen and heard if we don’t do it for Ourself?
- Do I trust myself?
- If I say I will get up at 6, do I?
- If I say I will finish that task today, do I?
- I’m I kind to myself?
- I’m I a good friend to myself?
These questions are about trust. If we don’t like, love ourself, if we trust Ourself, what do we expect from the outside world? Being kind and patient with Ourself makes a big difference, even if it doesn’t affect the world around us, at least our inner monologue is far more pleasant. Our own thoughts and voice are the ones we hear the most, aren’t they 🙂
To be seen, we need to see the truth of Ourself.
To be heard, we need to truly hear Ourself.
Let’s do this with kindness, compassion, respect, patience, understanding and forgiveness.
Now that I’m confident we’re doing right by Ourself, or at least on the road to it, let’s address being seen and heard by others, and us to them 🙂
Outwards
Going outwards means that we consider others and that others consider us.
Today could be the worse day of someone’s life. We don’t know if they had a bad night or an argument with someone they care about. We don’t know if they’re worried about their thyroid, are scared about starting a new medication, if they feel sad inside or if they have a hangnail that’s really bugging them.
We don’t know.
On our side, they don’t know if we had any of those things either.
We generally want to be understood for who we are from those around us, to feel seen and to be heard, that our opinion is respected, our limits are known, considered in a positive light and accepted for who we are. We don’t want to feel judged, ridiculed or dismissed.
All basic stuff, right?
Though basic, I feel we benefit from being clear with Ourself what we want and need from those around us. This may vary from group of people, however, this is establishing our limits and our expectations.
List of Limitations & Expectations
Overshare: I once made a list of what my basic standards of how I like to be treated. This was a fairly elemental list targeted at understanding my limits with my everyday interactions. Since we’re going to consider others as well, I assume that those around me also have relationship standards and I try to learn what they are to best respect them.
I love lists, so I started by numbering a Top-10 items that I feel are important in my interactions/relationships, including what qualifies as good and not too great. I later saw that when the “good” was good, I felt seen and heard in those relationships. When the “not-too-great” wasn’t too great, those relationships and interactions often left me feeling like I wasn’t seen or heard, that I was replaceable or was wasting my time.
Another overshare: One of the items on my list is if people ask how I’m doing. Basic, right? But you’d be surprised when you start watching out for these interactions how many times that most basic question gets jumped over.
Sidenote: I feel that this list is linked to our priorities and would be pretty different from individual to individual. I am purposefully not posting my list not to jade your list.
This list helps us understand our basic criteria for a good interaction. From there, we can specify further and see what we need to be seen and heard from others.
What do we want others to see and hear?
Make a list:
- your feelings
- how hard you try
- your journey and the picture of your life you’re building
- how you feel about key important things
- how you feel about them
Sidenote: Let’s remember to do it for Ourself 🙂
Overshare: I was once invited to a party where I only knew the celebrated person and the other guests were life-long friends. I was worried that I’d be spending the whole evening smiling politely and subtly looking at my phone like I was busy. I had my excuse to leave early ready to use at any time. Magically, the other guests accepted me among them and made me feel seen and heard. They asked questions and follow-up questions. They looked in my eyes when speaking to me. They didn’t just make “inside jokes” and they welcomed me warmly. It was a remarkable feeling!
Which leads me to: how much seeing and hearing do we do?
An exchange is not a one way street! We need to see and hear others if we any that for Ourself do we see past their circumstances and their physical body? Do we go further than their words, actions and attitudes?
Our Circle
Let’s try an activity.
I’d like us to focus on 10 people in our circle:
- write their names side-by-side, with plenty or room to write underneath
- write 3 things you know for sure about each of them
- write how you feel about them
- write how you think they feel about you
- do you feel seen and heard by them?
Let’s flip the script!
Do you think they feel seen and heard by you?
If anything special comes to mind while you’re working on this such as a rough time they are going through, write your actions to connect with them and what do you do to make them feel seen and heard?
Respect is a big part of what feeling seen and heard is.
We pay attention.
We take the time.
We send out sonars and see who our peeps are doing.
Moving Forward
Do you know someone who has a collection that people identify with them? We’ll say ceramic cats. And, wouldn’t you know, every special occasion, they receive something for their collection. Soon enough, they have dozens of ceramic cats! They get ceramic cat-related things too! T-shirts, cups, cards…
It’s great that we know that one thing about our peep! But we can’t rely on that one thing! They are not simply cat-dimensioned 😉 They might actually be more than just a ceramic cat lover!
We might need more! We also can’t rely on who they were 10 years ago! People change 🙂
And if they stop liking ceramic cats, try to learn what the new thing is and try not to keep considering them as one-dimensional ceramic cat lovers.
I see and hear you,
Karine