Someone asked me recently if forgiving others is a selfish act. I gotta say that it was a bit of a head-scratcher. We forgive for many reasons, and in the act of forgiving, we end up feeling better.
Forgiveness is a gooey subject that we live differently case by case. There is no one way to forgive or to be forgiven because the entire series of events that surround what the forgiveness addresses and all the particularities of that moment.
Overshare: When I think of times I’d like to have been forgiven, I come up to a few specific life moments where I realized I harmed someone’s feelings. I can visualize these moments so clearly and I regret them tremendously. When I think of times when I was the one who was dealing or withholding forgiveness, I can feel in my bones what the hurt was made and what lead to me forgiving truly, begrudgingly or – truthfully – not at all.
Each of those times was very different.
Even if someone harms us the exact same way someone else did, the variables of possible size of impact of the wound can go from teflon, to scratch, to crater.
Today, I’d like to read a book about forgiveness that talks about all aspects of that heart-mindset of moving past the past and making peace.
Let’s do this!
Though we’ve been forgiving since that little kid in daycare pulled our hair, I think it’s a good idea to make sure we’re on the same page about what this act our grown-ups have been telling us to do since we were faced with other people.
Overshare: I actually didn’t forgive her… I pulled her hair right back. A lot. And forty years later, I remember it clearly.
Karine’s definition of Forgiveness: The act of bringing peace into a situation where another individual or individuals have brought harm to you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, by their words, by their actions, by their silence and by their inaction. This can be intentionally or unintentionally. This harm can be to your your personal self, your loved ones, your objects, your reputation and much more. The action of bringing peace, acceptance, empathy, consideration, compassion and calm into a situation that resulted from harm is only forgiveness if the harm is left in the past and did not create a permanent wound on the relationship. Any wound on the fabric of the relationship is NOT forgiveness.
Can You Fake Forgiveness?
True forgiveness is forged in truth, vulnerability and peace. I suppose many of us have lied and told people that “it’s okay”, the the reality of the wound was too deep. We often do this to avoid a difficult situation, talking about our feelings too much or prolonging the wound.
We might fake it to make others feel better, while we silently try to find our peace.
Fake forgiveness is unsolved and keeps rotting within us and will affect the relationship.
Which leads me to the reason for this MiniBook: Is it selfish to forgive in order to free ourself from the rotting of unsolved forgiveness?
The Makings of True Forgiveness
Overshare: I’m not much of a Lord of the Rings fan… sorry… please forgive me… But I think a lot about how the ring was made when I think of how forgiveness is made. No, I didn’t read the book, so I’m relying on the movies for this, again, please forgive me.
Forgiveness is forged by different members and create something precious.
If we explore what forgiveness is made of, we require several components.
A) Let’s start if we are the one feeling that we have been harmed and someone else is attempting to apologize:
- Acknowledgement of the harm we have lived and how we feel
- Understanding of the reasons for what happened, and our possible role
- Identification of our inner damage (consequences)
- Acknowledgement of IF an apology will make it better or if the harm is not reversible
- Understanding IF we want an apology and IF we are willing/able to forgive
- Desire to clear the air
- Acceptance of the apology and move forward with true forgiveness
Remarkably, we do not need the other to know that we forgive them.
B) If WE need forgiveness, the situation plays out a little differently:
- Notice subtle (or not-so-subtle) differences in the relationship and/or in the other person
- Admit our role, or our possible role, in creating this situation
- Desire to make the situation better and understanding of the harm we have brought
- Ability to be vulnerable with courage
- Assess the importance of the relationship as well as to understand the impact of our actions/words…
Others are allowed not to forgive us, no matter now truthful we are.
True forgiveness is something we do to heal through something, for ourself as much as for the other.
Selfish?
Are we being selfish for wanting that forgiveness to take place in order to make our lives better? Simpler?
Well, maybe we are. A little.
But the question I want to look at is: Does it even matter?
And: What is the worth of peace and acceptance?
I’m not a specialist in selfishness or in forgiveness, however, I do have to say that I don’t think it matters if forgiveness is selfish because it is done to bring peace and moving forward. Stewing in the murk of a past issue will not make us a better version of us, nor will it bring us any good to keep stewing.
Okay, well I hope you can forgive me, but I’ll be signing off of this one 🙂
I hope your heart is clear of old issues that could be rotting in there and that you can free yourself of both things you could forgive in others and things you can forgive in yourself.
Overshare: I’ll be doing a little introspection on this subject myself and get to doing some good heart cleaning 🙂
I wish you all the very best,
Karine