Remember in elementary school when you got a sticker from the teacher on your work? I certainly do! IT WAS AWESOME! WHAT A GREAT FEELING!!!! Those stickers were the ultimate sign for me that I did a good job.
Fast forward through a few stages of my life, and the acknowledgement like the one the stickers brought to me still has impact. I don’t like being at the mercy of people’s compliments and put-downs, comments and criticisms. I’d like to think that I’m above all that and that I don’t need anyone’s approval to know what kind of job I’m doing.
Yeah! Right!
I LOVE COMPLOS!
I guess what I like is to be acknowledged and to be seen, to know I made a difference and someone believes in me and what I can do.
Today, I’d like to read a book that makes me celebrate everything I do without hoping to be recognized for doing it. I’d like this book to be something that I could share with others to help them celebrate everything they do in a day, because we all certainly do a lot!
Now if you’re new to my MiniBooks, I’d like you to know that I try to solve something as I write out the MiniBook. Sometimes I land on something that works and sometimes I may completely change track. I am basically flowing with what I’m trying to solve and I try to do it in 1,000 words or so to make it a quick 10 minute or less read. I don’t believe in “should” and “have to”. And, I’m not a mental and emotional health professional. I hope you enjoy 🙂
Let’s do this!
Little reminder: I am not a mental and/or emotional health expert. I am just a person who writes stuff. Sure, maybe I might say things that resonate, but I am by no means a professional and I highly advise that if you or someone you know isn’t feeling their best to please find a professional who you or they connect with. Reading and listening to people like me does not replace a true professional who you exchange with in person. And if you have a professional but you’re not feeling the connection, keep trying to find the right fit for you because you are worth it!
Oh! Being Human
Well, animal companions also like encouragement and compliments. It’s not just us humans! People even research if plants grow differently if exposed to positivity. True or not, I choose to accept that as living creatures, we like positive encouragement.
We want to be acknowledged, to be seen, that our intentions and efforts are recognized, and to know that we made a difference. We want and need validation.
Seems pretty simple, right?
We tell an animal companion that they did a good job and that they themselves are good every day! But do we do it to one another?
Say if you work/study with 5 people, wouldn’t it be great to get some sort of acknowledgement a few times a week by them? And, wouldn’t be great if we took a moment to highlight the efforts that they are making a few times a week?
Compliments mean a lot to living creatures and if we don’t take a moment to see and recognize what others are doing, we’re not making it better for them, are we?
Sidenote: to circle back to “needing validation”, I want to add that I know we can’t live and breathe for the words and validation of others. That’s not healthy at all. We can’t live for the number of “likes” we have on our socials or for how many complos we got in a day. But the point I’m making is that we are living creatures who actually NEED these types of social interactions. Again, I’m not a psychologist. But there’s a balance to be had and we are not emotionless or devoid of any social needs. We’re wonderful living creatures.
Critism-a-Phobe (ish)
Sidenote: Phobias are no joke and I don’t want to make light of those with phobias who are truly controlled by their affliction. For those of us who do not have a true phobia of criticism, imperfection or anything relating to this, we might not understand how a true phobia is truly debilitating.
In life, we receive criticism. It’s a completely natural part of daily living, learning and growing. Regardless of our age, we may receive the unmistakable counter-compliment that makes us feel bad. Some of us have received perhaps too much criticism, making us pretty sensitive to even gentle criticism.
Criticism is not only in the way it’s delivered, but in who is delivering it, when we’re hearing it and how we’re feeling at that time.
As I reflect on when could be the optimal time for criticism, I paint up several scenarios in my head and none feel great. But, in a world where there is no fabulously winning scenario, I suppose the best is that it’s not delayed. When criticism has been delayed there’s often a lot of baggage that ends up coming up with it, and I’m not a fan.
Criticism as criticism is not fabulous. But when it comes with good suggestions, understanding and proactivity, I feel it’s more balanced and fair.
Want compliments? You’re open to criticism.
Criticism is important because we don’t do everything great. We don’t.
There are times when we might have toilet paper under our shoe, lipstick on our teeth, overcooked something, made a typo, made a mistake at work, got red notes all over our paper we worked so hard on, and much more.
Criticism can be a few things:
- Someone’s OPINION (yeah, so whatever… take lightly)
- A FACT that someone is sharing (okay, take this more seriously)
- A correction on an important guideline (yes, take seriously)
- Someone’s desire (yeah, really a BIG whatever! You can hear what they’re saying, but seriously…)
- A dangerous action you have committed (take very seriously)
- An insult you have said or done (consider strongly)
- Retaliation for criticisms you have given (yup, we might have opened the door to “honesty” and it might have gotten personal)
- People who feel that criticism is their right or their job (let’s think of those who review online or old fashioned movie reviewers – for example)
- People who think they are helping you by commenting (they often feel they are very kind-hearted and don’t mean to crush your Soul)
- and there are so many more scenarios for criticism
Where is the criticism coming from? A good place? Jealousy? Someone having a bad day? Someone really trying very hard to be courageous and help us?
What is the impact of the things we express that can be taken in as criticism?
What gives us the place to express when it’s something that could be kept to ourselves? No lives were at risk, no one asked us what we thought, and maybe it’s just not any of our business.
Overshare: The first acronym my mother taught me as a child is: MYOB (Mind Your Own Business). I must have been 5 or 6 when I learned it. She didn’t mean anything insulting by it, I was a very curious child who asked a lot of questions. And, yes, I did indeed need to mind my own business a bit more. So, when I’d go too far, she’d just say nicely “MYOB” and I realized that I was indeed going too far. I think about “MYOB” a lot in the tone she gave it to me in: a gentle reminder with a smile. It was never a harsh or loud accusation. We’re living creatures and some of us are curious by nature. “MYOB” is a good reminder for balance.
Validation-Motivated (and Validation-Hungry)
We can know the difference of when we’re just being a living creature wanting acknowledgement and when we’re validation-seeking.
I think that difference is really important for each of us to recognize.
When I see a video of someone going around complimenting others, I can often tell the recipient of the compliment is truly surprised and touched. I want more of THAT! Those people are not expecting it, they’re simply doing their thing and someone comes around and gives them a tasteful compliment. Love it!
Sidenote: I’m not going to go into what a tasteful compliment is… that’s a whole-on other subject…
I like to acknowledge my bus driver, those who cook for me or make my drink, highlight something positive I noticed in a co-worker, tell a customer service representative about how efficient they were and truly helped me. Those are just a few acts that make a tiny difference. Those people did not go fishing for compliments, but if we give them out, they usually take them 🙂
Stickers
We might not get the complos we feel we need from the world and the acknowledgement of our efforts and intentions, the recognition of who we are and what we do. Unfortunately.
In that case, I like to have a tool box that I can use for myself, and yes, it includes stickers.
My complos tool box:
- Stickers – which I generally stick to my travel mug
- Writing out my situation and acknowledging for myself:
- who I wished would have noticed
- what I wished they would have noticed
- and why I feel I need that acknowledgement
- A designated treat: if we think back about the Daily DOSE, there’s something to be said about what we consider to be a treat and how that affects us with dopamine release. Having something we consider a true treat might have an invisible reaction on us with our brain chemicals.
Overshare: I am claiming it right here and now: I like and need sincere acknowledgement of some of the things I do, who I am and the interactions I have with those in my environments, sporadically sprinkled into my life. This does not make me weak or weird, it doesn’t make me dependent on compliments. It makes me honest and living. Nothing more, nothing less.
Wrapping it up
I went over 1,000 words… sorry… I hope it was worth the read 🙂 and that you feel good about everything you do each day.
I probably don’t know you, but I know you did something good today. I know you did the best you could. If you feel you’ve fallen short, try to find a helpful resource who can collaborate with you.
Celebrate the things you did.
Celebrate how hard you tried – no matter what people say. You know you tried hard.
Enjoy 🙂
Karine