Losing someone often feels illogical. The situation simply doesn’t seem to make any sense. Somehow, if it did make sense to us, we feel that we could handle things better. But this just doesn’t make any sense at all.
Overshare: We had a loss in our extended family recently that is just one of those situations. A few months ago, we heard of another that will never make any sense to the loved ones left behind.
And there are so many of these stories that we all have of losses that we can’t accept because they seem illogical.
Today, I’d like to read a book that makes sense of the losses that make no sense, that tells me why these things happen, and somehow, make it all okay in the end.
Sidenote: I haven’t started yet, but I’m not feeling very confident about solving this one…
Let’s do this!
I was thinking of what were the first things in my life that didn’t make sense. Nectarines come to mind. Those freaky naked peaches really confused me! Around the same age, I had two friends who were siblings and were both born with serious handicaps. That did no make sense. I wanted my friends to be able to do everything my other friends and I could do. I felt unfair. They were great kids! It really wasn’t right.
The feeling of injustice is everywhere. Injustice is frustrating because our options are limited or nonexistent. When we lose someone, we’re especially helpless.
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
-John Lennon, among others
It feels like most losses come with he feeling that “it just not right”. I think that feeling makes the loss so much worse and hurt so much more because it’s mixed with feeling powerless and helpless.
“They” say that there are 5, 7, 12 or 20 stages of grief, depending on who you ask. Some see it as a cycle that can be repeated, others see it as a curved line that moves forward.
The basic seven are:
- Denial (and shock)
- Pain and guilt
- Anger and bargaining
- Depression
- The upward turn
- Testing (reconstruction and moving forward)
- Acceptance and hope
Overshare: I really believe that grief is far more personal than to be categorized into specific steps.
Another overshare: I’m not sure if I believe in these stages, but I do find them interesting because punctuating them with acceptance is kind of nice.
Why do we try to categorize it?
Because we’re in pain and we want to know how it will get better. The goal for everyone is probably similar: to celebrate love, live our life and feel that we are honoring the one who is no longer with us. Essentially, we want acceptance. Well, we want way more than just acceptance.
Acceptance
I happened to think about the stages of grief the other day and really reflected on Acceptance. It felt good to think of a time when I’d feel acceptance, but then, it also felt so hollow. Acceptance isn’t as colorful and full as what I want to feel. But it’s a start, right?
Wouldn’t it be nice to simply be at Acceptance the whole time?
Karine’s definition of Acceptance: The deep feeling one can have about a specific situation where one feels calm, peace, has a sense of trust in the logic and has the ability to move forward even though there was a challenging situation. The situation has been resolved and filed away positively.
I WANT MORE!
I DEMAND BETTER!
I want to look forward to something better than “acceptance”. As I said, “acceptance” feels hollow compared to what I have in mind. But it’s a start.
Acceptance means it makes sense to some part of Ourself. If our loss doesn’t make sense to us, how can we feel about accepting?
Pain & Acceptance
So I started wondering if we still have pain if we have acceptance?
If we achieve acceptance, do we have anger? Confusion? Resentment? Sadness? Loneliness? Regret?
I actually believe that if we achieve a kind of peace that some people call acceptance, then all those bad feelings fade.
Let me be clear: it’s not about accepting the pain. It’s about making peace the situation because we cannot change it and living in pain is not the best option available to us.
Sidenote: “Embracing pain” and all that is a whole other thing… maybe for another time…
I actually don’t know if it’s possible to truly accept.
I tried.
I have failed. I didn’t resolve this one at all. I’m sorry I wasted your time. But talking about it helps. It helps to remember that we might not be able to fully accept bad situations that affected us to the core.
These people matter to us.
We understand the preciousness of what we have lost.
Our heart is sad, broken, damaged.
We may be sad, angry, lost…
We are confused and disoriented without knowing what’s next.
All this because it mattered.
It didn’t have reason. There is no logic. And there is nothing I can say that can change that. People have been trying to solve this one for AGES! But I do believe that trying to solve it is a good thing.
So, I’ll honor that feeling. I’ll honor everything that brought me that sadness, anger and all those feelings. I will step forward and try my best every day. When I slip up, I will remember and connect with the feeling I’m having right now.
Well, I tried.
I wish you all the very best,
Karine